Friday, April 2, 2010

Sandra Bullock, dumbass

Imagine waking up to this sight. Everybody's predictable comedienne got all inky five years ago, when she tied the knot with 'biker outlaw', mini-mogul Jesse James. That's his back. You'd think with a 'tat that big he'd have more ambition, as in, more zeroes. Perhaps no one told him they come in bigger sizes. His ex-wife surely never saw anything bigger than a $20.

Lives have a way of moving in patterns. Perhaps Sandra, in her arrogant need to domesticate one of the last known wild males, might have considered the ex-wife. After all, obsessing about ex-wives is a favorite past time of single women over 40. Speaking of which, here she is....
She's definitely the total package. Curious though, her bio says she's been doing porn for 23 years. Does that mean she did porn while married to Jesse? What was that dinner table conversation like? You know, "How was your day, dear....". Getting back to our manly outlaw, college dropout & former body guard, it turns out that he's got a soft side. Yup, Jesse the Clown has got a special act for lucky birthday boys and birthday girls!

That's so cute! No wonder Sandra fell for him. Who doesn't love a cuddly, bike-building, Monster Garage mastering, celebrity apprentice Nazi? Yeah, well the outlaw cred is a little threadbare. Nazi-boy got bitch-slapped by the California Air Resources Board. Not exactly like going up against Elliott Ness, is it?

Have you noticed the pattern yet? People tend to get predictable after 40 years. Here's a hint: "Janine" is (or was) tattood on the back of Jesse's hand. Wonder if Sandra noticed that on their first date. TheRaven would have loved to hear that bit of romantic patter. Give up? Perhaps this picture will flesh it out for you.

Poor Sandra.

I guess that Matthew McConaughey and his drinking problem were what, too normal? What does fame, fortune and an Oscar add up to? Just another woman making ordinarily bad choices. Will she keep him?

TheRaven sees a sadly ironic outcome. Sandra's audience is full of women who've made equally stupid choices. She'll become another pathetically sympathetic figure. Her amazing lack of talent will be extended into another 10 or 20 predictably lame movies (Blindside was an exception only because of Michael Lewis) and millions of innocent husbands and boyfriends will be dragged off to see them, like lambs to slaughter, paying penance for the bad choice of one woman!

Meanwhile, Matthew can't stop laughing, or making babies with his Brazilian, super model girlfriend....

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